Episode 6: The Belly of the Iguana

Cassidy So it's the end of chapter six, our chapter six retrospective. And to clarify for anyone who might be new around here, every lunar cycle, every lunation of the year is a chapter in the year in what we call our solar story, our annual heroic journey. And so. So chapter six this year took us from the new moon on May 16th, and we'll go through the full moon, blue moon we had at the end of May to June 13th. And then chapter seven will start on June 14th. So that's where we've been, and we've been in the stage of the annual journey known as The Crucible, or at least that's what we call I feel like we need to use it.

Susan They call again.

Cassidy Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, The Crucible is what we call it. And this can... This is... The Or...

Susan So speaking of that, do you want to just share what you feel like your ordeal has been, the solar story? Like what's been happening in the melting pot for you?

Cassidy And I'll share my story too, but I feel like it helps give like real life context.

Susan Like what's happening here really?

Cassidy Sure. So, you know, in the guide, I invite folks to reflect on where in your life has there been some like grit, you know, some rub or grit. And it can, you know, the ordeal can be obvious, like, super obvious, or intense. Now, and it can also, you know, just appear as like something like, well, that was an ordeal, or like, you know, you know, it might not be as. yes. Yes. Yes. In your face. Now, on this end, there was this ordeal that, you know, it wasn't that big of a deal, but it was, you know, what is the situation that is, like, pressurized, right? And so the most immediate and obvious one was a trip that we had planned. So the backstory for this trip was in 2019 when my husband and I were potential business partners and not potential romantic partners.

Susan Well, I'm so glad that didn't work out. forgot. Just saying, totally selfish on my part.

Cassidy Me too. Oh, goodness. So it's 2019, and he surprised me with a pitch deck. I could have known then that we were like soulmates, right? He surprised me with a pitch deck.

Susan So true.

Cassidy Where he proposed, but it was like he business proposed. He proposed that, you know, I fly out to Portland that summer for a month. We had never met in person. We had had all of our meetings up until that point on Zoom. And he had said, come out for a month and let's see what happens. You know, let's see how much work we can get done.

Susan don't know. OK. OK. Thank you. How much work? I'm putting that in quotes now. Work. We can get done. I'll tell you what.

Cassidy We got a lot of work done. It just was none of the work that we had planned. We did some real soul searching that summer. We did some real integrity work of diving into that. I talk about, you know, another year, another season's, you know, crucible, but that's the whole story is, you know, for another time or as I'm, as I'm writing right now. But the one thing that's notable is that he had another choice. So he was going to go see this, you know, living spiritual master in Mount Shasta. And so. So. So he chose to have me, you know, come out to Portland rather than go see this figure in California, and then the world went topsy-turvy in 2020 and beyond, and then we were traveling across the country, we got cats, we got a kid, you know, like life happened. And now here we are, several years later, and this living master is coming to the mountains of North Carolina to Asheville, and we lived in Asheville, we say we, he always says we honeymooned in Asheville for a year. We never, we didn't really live there. We just hung out, we just hung out for a year. So I was like, okay, we can do this. And I really, I wanted him to go and have this experience. And then in my mind, it was like the excitement was immediately met with just this complete overwhelm. I think I had sent you a Marco Polo video where I said my brain was like a squirrel. I did one of those chimera things. It was like a, I just remember it being like, chi, chi, chi, chi, chi, chi. But, you know, just racing ahead, trying to figure out what the plan would be and driving my husband insane, of course, in the process of trying to figure out like, well, what are the dates going to be and like trying to map the route. And the big thing is like, who can I see? And he's like, immediately it's like, it's going to be the round the world tour, you know, trying to figure out like, I need to see everything. Everyone, like, on the, you know, across the country and in the East Coast.

Susan Right, you guys weren't flying.

Cassidy It was driving across the country with your child, leaving your cats behind to go see the master.

Susan And it wasn't only Matthew going to see the master this time. It was the three of you.

Cassidy Yes, and that was the thing. Like, we wanted, you know, this living master, his wife passed, you know, earlier this year.

Susan Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, his wife passed earlier this year.

Cassidy And I don't know, there was this feeling of urgency of wanting to go and get to see him in person. And so, but yes, the plan was a road trip with a, as of today, now three-year-old.-hmm, yeah.

Susan Yeah.

Cassidy Happy birthday, Clarissa.

Susan Oh, my gosh.

Cassidy I know. I know. My mom used to say, I feel like I need to be celebrated, too, because I gave birth on this day.

Susan Yes, and survived the first three years. I know.

Cassidy I know. It's not only you gave birth on this day, it's and you have survived three years. Yeah, we're still talking. We're still on topic, y'all. We're still talking about the ordeal. And speaking of which, so I'm trying to figure out how we're going to do a cross-country road trip. I still need to get my vehicle repaired from a car accident, because we're dealing with insurance stuff, because that's an ordeal. And, you know, the way my lovely, lovely now. two. all. Thank Three-nager moved into the shrieking phase, and it's, like, it's this transitionary thing between, you know, not really taking naps anymore, but still needing a nap, still really needing a nap. And, yeah, just, like, when she gets overtired, overstimulated, just, like, shrieky shriek, shriek. And so, you know, I had gotten the anchor in my new moon, my tea cards, and I was just, like, anchor, anchor. And so I'm imagining, so there's, like, this, I'm starting to see there's, like, this gap between, you know, we're driving along, we're all... Singing road songs and, you know, we're stopping, we're seeing all of our people and we're just, like, everything, like, and I do believe in, like, pre-paving, like, mental pre-paving, like, you know, imagining that things will go smoothly and the universe is on my side, you know, all of the cooperative components are aligning and I have an angelic travel team that has always, like, arranged, you know, all that really good Abraham Hicks. I was gonna say , it's not , you know, the stuff that, it works, but. But not unless it's not supposed to. Right. Well. Right. Well, and, and so the, the plant, oh, and also the cat sitter that we had gotten used to. The boy's gotten used to, it's going to be traveling in Turkey for like a month. And so we'd have, we would also be trying a new cat sitter. And if you're a paranoid cat mom, and also we have this strange history with cat sitter sitters and ordeals that I don't need to go into here, but you know, it's like all of these things, you know, create like a mental list or a mental load that, like seemingly, this is what I mean by it doesn't have to be an obvious ordeal, you know, seemingly like mall as well, you know, but there can be internally, there can be this psycho emotional or psycho spiritual heat that happens and it was really our cards that helped. You know, it's not a surprise to me. I'm not stating it like, oh, wow. But, you know, there was this sort of revelation we came to by the full moon about the function of the crucible being transformation and then the clarification from, you know, the spiritual teacher, Ron Young, about transformation as not the waving of a wand. Like, Clarissa actually got a wand. She actually got a fake wand. Well, you know, it's a real wand. But, like, to be clear, I mean, it's a, you know, she got a wand.

Susan That's kind of like saying I have a real genie bottle, but does the genie come out?

Cassidy Right. Well, it's so funny because, like, she, like, she got the wand and she was like, it doesn't work.

Susan Amen, Clarissa.

Cassidy And I was like, well, but you get to pretend, you know, so we're, we're also moving into pretend phase where we get to talk about what pretend is and imagine and all this good stuff. But yeah, so transformation is not, you know, it's not the waving of a wand, but the taking of a new movement, as you clarified for us.

Susan Right.

Cassidy And so the, the heat and the pressure allow you to kind of melt a little bit. So you can be a little more flexible, can be a little more flexible, and then you can start to see that there's a new, a new option. And so the new movement, the revelation was, well, what if the new movement is actually staying? What if the new movement is actually staying? And that was when it just. And Clicked in that I was like, you know what, I'm going to get, I'm going to find Matthew a round trip flight to Charlotte direct because, you know, regional airports and all that stuff. Oh, he could just fly two and a half hours. He's in Charlotte and he's only a couple hours away. And I want him to go have this experience. And Clarissa and I will go to my in-laws and have, you know, a good, a good chill time there. And we're going to easy button this. We're going to easy button this. We're going to stay and to like Cassidy in her twenties, who was like very much adventure seeking, like wanting the next, you know, quest. I was on that hero's journey, that masculine journey, you know, definitely would have balked at this plan. But the like, the feminine genius of it, I couldn't help it. But Marvel.

Susan So not only are you not taking that road trip, right, but you're employing help.

Cassidy Now that that didn't even occur to me. That was another thing that was so funny is like, in my mind, was like, look, we'll just stay here. Now the trip's a lot shorter, you know, before we were going to be gone for a week and a half. You know, we're gonna be gone for a long time. No, it's just like you're gonna be gone Wednesday to Sunday. So I can stay here. And Matthew's like, what, like, you can't, you can't stay here all by yourself with a toddler and the cats. And so then then the plan evolved to well, we're still gonna hire the cat sitter. Like, I'm still gonna have somebody come and help with the cats while I'm away. And then it evolved to, look, I would really like it. If You went to Texas. And he was like, you know, as soon as they find out, like, they're going to offer to come here. They're going say, you go there. Like, you know, the odds never were that you were going to be by yourself on this. And that was also a new movement. Like, oh, right. Cool. So there's this sense of a new movement also having gone from, I can do it. I can do that. This feeling of kind of ready to shoulder something and move through life just through force of will.

Susan I'm sorry, I'm laughing, but that's like so historically me. Yeah, I can.

Cassidy I can. And I will.

Susan And I will.

Cassidy Exactly right. I can and I will. But I'll tell you, yeah, the energy was so supportive this past chapter of that, like, so grounding, so calming, and again, not in that superficial way, but in that really getting grounded and quiet and going slow. You know, I feel like that is the thing that I was so slow in making decisions, like around this trip, for example, compared to usually it's like, okay, you bought the ticket, get the hotel to, you know, get the, you know, map the route. And, you know, get, you know, and it's like, very slow, like, and also one conversation at a time, like, for instance, we thought, is it possible for us to swing through Atlanta, you know, because it's close to Asheville to say hi to, you know, say hi to some folks. And, or meet in Knoxville, you know, Susan and I had talked, oh, Knoxville's on the route and, and just taking a walk and it's like, yeah, you know, the timing, and this is the intuition part of it, right, again, more of that feminine wisdom is just like, you can feel when something is clicking into place, and you can feel when something's not, you know, clicking into place. I agree.

Susan I agree. I have my own, my own sense of that. Like.

Cassidy Um. And this is, so this is the thing that can be befuddling to the, the only like the masculine plan force oriented is like, gotta like make the plan and stick to the plan to go be efficient. But you actually saving so much of you save so much efficiency, if you go slow enough, that you can move with the wind in our gift position, y'all, we got that boat and I saw there's a Dixit card with a boat in it, which I'm sure we'll get to. But yeah, if you can go slow enough that you can steer, steer course based off of like, the wind and the tides. And there's like a, like in that heart's desire position, there's this like when you feel lost, if you can put your hands on your heart, you can close your eyes and you can Feel into the next step in the next direction, there's a, there's leverage that you have access to where you can go slow to go fast.

Susan Yeah, I just, I feel like this is such a change of course. Do you feel that way? I feel like, I mean, you guys were like taking this road trip. And it just feels like such a tremendous change, course, to have been like, put the brakes on, and to completely change the plan. It just, it feels like a huge like fork in the road kind of moment and just so different than what you thought summer was.

Cassidy Very, very different. Well, and, you know, it's one of the things that, it's funny because Matthew never would have agreed to go by himself on, you know, a little mini pilgrimage journey. The only way he would have agreed to go was if we were all going to go. So you can't even look back and be like, well, if we had figured it out, no. And also I have to commend him for teaching me the art of the audible. And I didn't even, the art of the audible, which I think is a sports reference. So it's like game time and like, you're going to have, you have like, you're going to run this play, but then it's like a game time decision. Audible, and you switch to a different plan. And we've been working on this over the years with micro decisions, like, what are we going to have for dinner?

Susan And it starts out in the morning is one thing. And the course has started to change by one. And then by dinner time.

Cassidy Right. You know, it's kind of like, I mean, we could even be in the car, on the way to go. You know, we're gonna go for a hike and it's like, let's audible. I'm actually I'm feeling a little bit tired, like, you know, let's audible and like, the art of this pivot, being able to This, you know, make a decision because there's power in making decisions and setting a course in motion. And there's power in being able to intuit on a certain way, let's turn left instead of go right. So, like, the ability to both make powerful decisions and the ability to audible together.

Susan Right. To unmake decisions.

Cassidy Right. Or adjust. It's the ability to adjust, the ability to adjust. And it seems very simple when you say it like that, but like, you know, depending on how much of a control person you are. Oh, yeah.

Susan For some people, a plan's a plan, no matter what. Uh huh. Yeah.

Cassidy Well, it's. I grew up in a household. I have the, and this is, if you don't know human design stuff, we can just, you know, tune out, go, go get, sip, sip your tea for a second. But I have this alpha channel. And my sister has the alpha channel. And my dad has the alpha channel. I see.

Susan I didn't know that actually. This is the first I'm hearing of this.

Cassidy Yes. So again, I'm laughing. So it's a very, it was a very interesting thing. Like a lot of our conversations focused around like, what we were going to do next. What was the plan? Like, well, first we're doing this, and then we're going to do this, and then we're going to do this. Well, I think we should, and negotiating. Well, I think, you know, there's this like, the alpha channel part of it is like directional leadership of which way the thing is going. And of course, the caveat with the Alpha Channel is not dictatorial or authoritarian. It has to be through democracy. Like it has to be like otherwise the channel won't function.

Susan So yeah, I grew up in a household and it was one of those things I didn't realize it until like until it was too late. No, I didn't realize it until like you're in a different context, right?

Cassidy And you're in a different family situation. Like I'm talking, I'm sitting with Matthew's family and they have like the curiosity channel going on. And so like, they're the folks who play like Trivial Pursuit. And I'm like, I don't know any of this .

Susan Because it's trivial. But they know all sorts of like random things about movies or sports or like topics that I History or... History!

Cassidy Yeah. And so it's just, it's, but that was why it was so fascinating starting to study human design, because I could actually see, that's where human design is interesting to me, is like, I want to see a case study, like, I want to apply it to, how is this showing up at the Thanksgiving table, you know, like, yeah.

Susan Yeah.

Cassidy Anyway. So, yes, the art of the, the art of the audible, the art of the audible. Sorry, in my, in my head, I had another example, but I think I made the, the point has been made.

Susan So, that has been what's been going on in the pressure cooker. Yeah, that's like full circle, that has been your pressure cooker.

Cassidy Yeah, that is like, you know, and I'm sure there are other examples, but that is like the most obvious outward event and, you know, most obvious metaphor and example that, you know, I can offer. There's one. And so how has your ordeal been? Well, do you want me to talk about my ordeal?

Susan Or do you want to talk about your Dixit card?

Cassidy Either way? Oh, well, I actually got curious how you feel like your Dixit card image kind of brings that whole story together.

Susan I have my own thoughts about your card, but I'm kind of curious now what you're thinking, like, how does that Dixit card tie? I am to your story, so I'll describe for a second, Cassidy, while you think about that, Cassidy's Dixit card, I would describe it as like either a dragon or almost more like a reptile of some sort, like an iguana face almost, like an iguana eating a human. And the interesting part is that it appears as if the human that has been eaten by the iguana is being pulled out of the iguana's mouth by other person with angel wings. And Cassidy will post it for sure, so you can take a look at what the image actually looks like in case I didn't describe it quite

Cassidy I love that you described this beast as an iguana. The iguana was popping up in, this is the thing about animal totems, power animals, whatever you want to call animal medicine, however you want to word it. It doesn't have to actually appear in physical life. It could appear in dream life, obviously, but it could also appear just like in images. And so iguana kept popping up recently. So I had not made the association that this looked like an iguana whatsoever.

Susan But it actually does. It does.

Cassidy It does look like an iguana to me. So iguana, one of the interpretations is lay low, have patience, being adaptable to change, highly adaptable to that the anguścią

Susan That's so interesting. Okay, did not know that about the iguana. But that seems very fitting for this story.

Cassidy Yep, slow down, recharge your energy, contentment, you know, enjoy the simple things, the ability to navigate transitions, survive tough circumstances, calm and stoic presence. Also, psychic abilities and trusting your instincts. So there's just, you know, there's a little tidbit there. So that's a fun little, a fun layer. And it was funny, I showed Matthew this card last night when I pulled it and he was like, Oh, that's you. The little fairy-like, angel-like, blonde, blonde gal. He's like, that's you. That's me. The gnome hat little.

Susan Okay.

Cassidy And he was like, that's you, that's me, and that's Reptar, the Godzilla-looking creature. And, you know, he and I have this whole Reptar thing. Since we first got together, he won me a Reptar from a claw machine, and that's when I decided I would marry him. You're so easy to please. And it took a little more than that, but, you know, it makes for a good little comedy bit. No, so, obviously, the adaptability to change fits in with the story that I was just chatting about. And, you know, interestingly, this is very archetypal for the stage of the journey we're in, right? If you think about the escape from the belly of the whale or the belly of the beast. Right, I thought of that also, I agree. Right, like, that's immediately, like, it looks, it's like, um... You know, depending on the perspective, you could see, like, is the angel saving this figure from falling into the mouth of the beast or pulling him out? And I think pulling him out. That's what I got, too. And, you know, interestingly, this idea of, like, saving the child, the inner child, or saving the child, I feel like is also helped in making the decision. Because if it was just me, and I didn't have my daughter, I would have pushed on, obviously, like, you know, I would have made the track.

Susan But sometimes we don't stay for ourselves.

Cassidy Like, and as a woman, it's like, I stay for my child, you know, and the priorities do change. And so this idea of wanting to take care of her and take care of her first. That also that comes to mind. And actually, with this card, what came to mind is I have been working on a memoir project. And I started just from memory. And then I actually saw the Treasure Island card from our gift position this season with the treasure chest. And I saw the U-Haul box of journals in my mind, my old journals. And I was like, Oh, I need to open the it's time to open the old, old box. And so I actually I started to pull out the old the tomes, you know, the pull out the old journals for the memoir project. And it is amazing the the dialogue across time of me being able to open. And these archives, they do feel like living text because they capture my consciousness in a certain time and place and situation. And what it feels like as I'm reading this and writing this, it feels like I'm reaching my hand through the pages and I'm grabbing the hand of a younger version of myself. And I'm helping to pull her through time and helping. So it's like, is this supernatural aid, this fairy or this angel, is it an angel? You know, is it the Davic realm that comes to our aid? And in some ways it is, you know, because I've worked with the Davic realm for a long time and they've helped pull me out of some hairy situations. But also the. This is the, you know, you are the, your future self is there pulling you out, helping to get you out of the ordeal and out of the, the dark night of the soul is another word for the ordeal. And I put this in the guide, like, you know, you can have these mini ordeals, you know, every year to help guide your soul on its journey. Or sometimes in life, we have, you know, a dark night of the soul that lasts a year or multiple years, like it's like a, a chapter of your life that will feel like that. So anyhow, that is what came to mind is how is this, how are both of these figures me? Mm hmm.

Susan When I saw that card, because I feel like it can be interpreted in so many obviously different I also thought of our fellow traveler card in our spring story and our spring cards.

Cassidy position, yeah. Yup, in the challenge position.

Susan And so I thought to myself, like success, like there is the success of having the fellow travelers be there in support because there is a fellow traveler pulling the person out of the belly of the iguana in this case.

Cassidy Can I, I'm going to like, that's what I'm going to start calling it instead of the belly of the whale.

Susan We're going to call it the belly of the iguana.

Cassidy We like to be in our perspective here.

Susan Robes to the plane.

Cassidy So I love that interpretation. And that has most certainly been my experience this year. You know, like, it was one of my top three soul goals was, you know, friends, right? And fellow travelers.

Susan that. Yeah. Yeah.

Cassidy And that has most certainly been my experience. And I think there's like, you know, I feel like in psychology, and you know, when we do dream interpretation, it's like, okay, always start with yourself first. And how do the characters? Well, actually, all of these characters are just like, parts of me, you know, and so I think they're, you know, oh, hello, kitten.

Susan Hello, kitten.

Cassidy So yes, there's like the useful interpretation of looking at that. But I think it's not just that. I think it's okay to also look at the other characters on the stage of life with you. Mm hmm.

Susan Mm I also want to point out that that the. Colors in your Iguana Dixit image fit in very well with the other like greenish blues in some of your cards. When I originally saw your card, I have to say, you know what my first response was?

Cassidy I don't, but I'm curious. So now remember, I believe I picked and pulled my card first and threw it up there.

Susan So I had already known when I saw your card, what my card was. My first response to your card was, oh, that card looks like it belongs on my spread. That was my first response.

Cassidy Well, and why is that?

Susan Well, because I mean, mine was just, it really was in the beginning, such a fiery hot spread. a card. So the I give And Not You know, I mean, you remember like the fiery horse riding into the, or through the quest, you know, bareback, bare feet into the, the wasteland. I mean, that was the literal card, right? The wasteland. So it just seemed like the belly of the whale or the belly of the iguana, like just was so fitting, like super hot, being eaten, swallowed, chomped by, by the story here. So it just felt fitting. And, you know, then of course there was my hope that an angel was going to pull me out. So that's why I thought of that card being very well suited for my, for my story. That said. That Though, I do feel like my card, which is, how do I describe this card? So it's like this tiny little golden boat floating through the indigo cosmos. And I love the way, and it isn't reality. It actually is the way the picture was taken. That there is like this enormous golden light, like, I mean, the boat is golden, don't get me wrong. But the way the light hit the card illuminated the golden boat even more. It's not like it's white light, it's like golden light illuminating the boat. And so it's just, it really is so fitting for the way I needed to go. Through this crucible period, because now we'll see if I can get through. I'm not going to get through it without crying. Just not going to happen. Um, so I'll just, I'll take some breaths. Um, this cruise really took me to my knees. Well, beyond my knees, it really did. Um, and it, um, I think more so than any other in my life. Um, and it was probably the combination of two events that did it. Um, it wasn't, um, only. The cat crisis, which didn't, so it'll be three weeks ago tomorrow where I had stayed home from going to the ranch on Friday. I don't actually eat. Oh, I remember why I had a doctor appointment. So I actually was freed on that day from my soft cast on my wrist. So the day I was freed from my soft cast, I had been noticing for like three days that one of my cats was off. I knew he wasn't feeling well. And so, you know, I just, I just like, I don't know, I guess I'm observant that way. You know, I pay attention. I noticed like the subtle details. And so I was, I was really watching him. And at one point. Bye. That morning before I left to the doctor, I was like, hmm, this has been going on for several days now. And I just checked in with myself, like, is it time that he'd go to the vet? Like, how serious is this? And this is such a bizarre way to describe this feeling. And I've only had it a few other times in my life. I call it the doomsday feeling. And I just, I got the doomsday feeling when I checked in about the cat. And I just, like, took action. I called the vet, couldn't get an appointment. I called. I Billy. I'm like, you got to come home. He needs to go. He needs to be seen. Now, you know, I kind of laugh at this because on one hand, Billy, I can see like part of Billy, like rolling his eyes in like, she's overreacting. Like, why is she panicking? Like, this is so weird. This isn't like her. And, you know, he's at the ranch and I'm like, you need to come home. You need to get him. I'm going to get out of this doctor's appointment because now I'm sitting at the doctor, like going through this, like trying to make phone calls and like get him seen as soon as possible. And so I'm like, I'm hearing in my head, right? Like this conversation, like he's trying to now get out of the ranch and talk. I don't know, like, Sue's worried about the cat, like, he's been a little mopey for a few days. And like, not, I mean, and then I like, so that's happening on one hand in him. And then on the other hand, in him, he's like, if she says, like, it's time, like, this needs to happen, like he knows it needs to happen. Right? So like, there are these two voices in his head. So he gets out of the ranch, gets home, gets the cat in the carrier. I'm like, take him to Blue Pearl. Now, if anybody knows, like Blue Pearl is, I'll say was, is, I'll let, I'll let you all decide for yourselves whether they're like top tier, like internal medicine, like every specialist for animals under the sun, their emergency care, they like whisk the cats and dogs. So way. I mean, it's like, it's like a really are. And so we actually have now a Blue Pearl really close by. They're like seven minutes from us. So he whisked the cat off to Blue Pearl. I get out of my doctor's appointment, which is like literally five minutes now. I go to Blue Pearl. By the time I get there, the cat's already being seen and they're like checking everything. And I don't know how many hours and hundreds and hundreds of dollars later, they come with the little cat in the carrier. It's a fever of unknown origin. That was what they give me. It's very common in cats, but his blood looks good. He has nothing abnormal inside of his, they took it like a giant x-ray of his little body. They couldn't find anything. . . . . . And I still know this cat's, like, not right. So I express my concern to them. And they're like, yeah, well, that's a concern. Keep watching him. Okay. So now I have this puddle of a cat that I'm taking home because there's nothing to do with him. He's still not well days and days later. Bring him to the regular vet. She looks at him. Oh, yeah, he's not. He's not well. Like, yeah, I know. But this is my concern. Again, just take him home and, like, let's see. Oh, I shouldn't say that. Sorry, I forgot a piece. They did at the ER give him an antibiotic for the fever and, like, a kiddie version of a Tylenol to bring his fever. Because he really did have a fever. He was like at 105 or something like that, 105 and a half, which for a cat is a fever, right? So they did give him those two things, but sent him home, brought him back to my regular vet the following week. She didn't want to give him anything because she's like, we got to watch this. And you're not going to go back to Blue Pearl next time. You're going to go to this other place. So she didn't give him anything, but his fever was high and we're like, what do we do? So wait, I forget how many hours it was. Maybe it was like 24, 36 hours. And again, I'm like, we got to bring him. We got to bring him. His fever is up again. And so we go to the second ER. They whisk him. Men, they do another x-ray. His, the sack around his lungs was completely full of fluid. He was, I mean, he wasn't panting, labored breathing, but I had seen, that was why I was like, he's got to go back. Cause I could see that, you know how a cat, like before they settle down to sleep, like you can see they're like breathing heavier. And then they take that breath and they're like, and they just, I mean, we humans do it too. It's like the cleansing breath and then they settle down. Well, he was not taking any cleansing breaths to settle down, even though he was just laying next to me trying to sleep. And I'm it's not right. So they did another x-ray. The lungs were full of fluid. That's why he couldn't take that cleansing breath. He to settle down to sleep. He was running 106 fever. And I'm like, I think it's FIP people. Like, what do you think? So they did more blood work. They actually drew the fluid out of his lungs, which I mean, is anytime you put a cat under anesthesia or any kind of sedative and do all that kind of stuff. Obviously, there's a danger that the cat's going to die because cats have a really, really delicate system. And so this is like, I don't know, midnight now that they're going to start drawing fluid out of his lungs. And I wouldn't leave because we really didn't know if he was going to make it through the night. Billy wanted to come home. And I'm like, I can't leave because if he doesn't make it, like, I want to say goodbye. Bye. Like, I just, I can't leave him when he's going to go into a procedure. So we stayed. They did the procedure successfully, drew out, like, 52 milliliters of fluid out of his lungs, which, for a tiny little cat, that's a lot of fluid. I actually ended up seeing the x-ray, and, like, his little lung, like, had, it was, like, this big at the biggest space when it shouldn't be like that. He just had no room to breathe. So he ended up staying for, like, two, three days, something like that. But in the meantime, they, I mean, this place was amazing. They drew the fluid, they tested the fluid there in the lab, and they sent the fluid out to be tested. So they found that he had neutrophils in the fluid. His lungs and no bacteria. So because there were neutrophils, they were thinking that it was FIP, which was what I suspected. That's pretty common, but they wanted to send it out to be sure. And in the meantime, started him on FIP medication, which up until a year ago. Now, imagine this. I really feel like if I was that person who could get behind a cause like this would be my cause, because up until a year ago, it wasn't even legal to give these FIP cats this medication because of politics. You had to like get black market compounded FIP meds. So it's kind of like remdesivir because. What FIP is, is a mutated version of the coronavirus, not human coronavirus, but kitty coronavirus. There are lots of different kinds of coronaviruses. And so his genetics switched this very common coronavirus into something completely deadly, that without this medication, he would, they die. I mean, they just do, because it just completely ravages their system. They fill up with fluid and they just die. And so it wasn't until, imagine 2025, people, right? It wasn't until 2025, and they didn't even really make it legal. What the FDA said was that they won't go after. We won't, we won't go after vets if ... And pharmacies, if they compound and use this medication, they won't press charges against them. Could you imagine, and how many, like thousands and thousands and thousands of cats' lives have been saved because of this medication? So he's on this med, he came home, literally within 24 hours of being home, he was like a completely different cat. He was playing again and eating and remarkable. Now, of course, you know, I have, so I have hope here, right? But this journey with him, it's three months of meds, three to six months of observation. Depending on the kind of FIP it is, until they can say, not that he's cured, but that he's in remission. It's mind blowing how deadly this freaking thing is.

Cassidy That you just, I mean, you never know.

Susan No, I mean, he's my little cutie, and, you know, he's shaved in like a million days, got stripes, shaved stripes up his side, and three shaved legs, and he's starting to grow his hair back, and he's sweet as ever. A little obnoxious with his brother at this point, but, I mean, this, if God wants to give me an ordeal, make one of my cats sick.

Cassidy Yeah, yeah.

Susan Like, I mean, Billy has always said, next life, I want to come back. Your cat. You can picture that, right? So yeah, so that was rough. That was really rough. Because not only was it like, I'm talking literal life and death, but it was being in the ER until one in the morning, not having sleep. So that was really a challenge. So that was stressful. That's the reality. That really was stressful. I was really, I was really concerned about him. And I'll go back and talk about that doomsday feeling separately. That's because that's a whole other piece of the conversation having to do with the greater lunation and the crucible. Laurence Peppers and the crucible. Peppers Well, like the learning from the crucible, but the crucible's not over because it wasn't only the issue of the cat. So prior to the cat, let me go back prior to the cat, Billy and I had gotten this like little bright idea, maybe move, right? Well, I mean, talk about like changing plans like you, right? Like screeching halt, brakes on, like pedaled all the way down, you know, frozen leg. Like we can't even think about that right now, like off the table for like six to nine months because the cat really could not be put under stress at all. Because it can just exacerbate this, and then he can't get rid of the illness, right? So no stress for the cat. Well, what's the most stressful thing for a cat? Moving, right? So like done, we just like took that off the table immediately. But we have another issue. We have been in a drought here in Georgia for months and it was it was like getting pretty serious like we were having no rain and right before the cat got sick, we started to have rain and it rained for like 10 days and it rained and it rained now, you know. Parts of the country, it rains! No, here it's like torrential. Like, you can, like, have a flood, first of all, because of the ground. The soil here is not regular soil, it's clay, right? So it doesn't do water like other soils do. It doesn't come down in buckets here. It comes down in barrels here. And so we had like 10 days of this rain. And the mold that came with that rain knocked me on my . So if you're going to do anything physical to me, God, to test my system, just expose me to a little mold.

Cassidy A lot of mold.

Susan Well, yeah, he didn't do just a little.

Cassidy Oh my gosh. The mold.

Susan That's what put me on my knees. Because I literally when I'm exposed to mold, I literally cannot function. It was within hours. I was like, Oh, I think I'm getting a little post nasal drip to like, full on. Like, I don't even know how to describe like, I don't mean to be gross people. But the amount of phlegm being produced by this body, like within hours, was overwhelming.

Cassidy It was overwhelming.

Susan It was just like a I called I told my Fathom. And I had a phlegm fountain, like, you know, the little chocolate fountain at the wedding, although I had the phlegm fountain. It was so bad. Like, I just don't even know how to describe how bad my sinuses were and how bad the postnasal drip was. You know, I completely lost my voice. I was, like, squeaking through our full moon, I guess.

Cassidy Yeah, it was right at the full moon. Yeah.

Susan Our full moon cards, it just knocked me out. And between the sinus headaches from, like, this major, major congestion, and then from all the coughing, which was, like, 24-7 coughing. ç ç ç ç ç ç ç ç I, my neck got so tight. Well, then you get the nerve thing going up from your neck. You know this well, Cassidy, I know you know this, like the nerve thing that goes up through your head and up through your face. And for somebody who has never had nerve pain through their face, it is the worst imaginable thing ever. And Cassidy, I can see you welling up with tears because I know you know this personally all too well. I don't know why it is so painful, but it is unbearable and not to, not to try. And I know you don't even like that word, but if there was one thing that was gonna make me drink and do drugs, it's that is horrific. And I don't know how people survive it. I don't know. Now I had a friend going back many years ago who had, I guess, neuralgia, like she lived with it constantly. She had had, I don't know, like a brain tumor or And she had constant facial nerve pain. I don't know how people do it. I, it took me to my knees. I could. Only, like I was doing what that picture showed in my Dixit card before I had the Dixit card, because all I could do was like, I couldn't do self-healing work. I couldn't focus. You know, when you do self-healing work, like the center of your focus is behind your eyes. Like, I wanted to be nowhere near my face. Like, I wanted to run from my head. And so the pain in my face was so bad, like I couldn't get away from my body and I couldn't do self-healing. I couldn't, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't rest. I was so restless, tossing and turning. It really, really just sent me over the edge. All I could literally do was do self The mind-numbing TV, and when I wasn't doing that, I certainly wasn't sleeping much, all I could do was picture myself, this little speck in the cosmos, floating, completely 100% trusting that I was taken care of, and that something other than myself was going to get me through this, and that I would function well enough to take care of my cat. Who needed me? Talk about an ordeal. I don't think I've ever had an ordeal like this one. This was, it literally just wiped me out. It wiped me out. And possibly it was like the stress of the cat that made the reaction. My body just couldn't fight it. I had no reserves to manage. mean, everybody's allergic to mold, people's reactions. Some people don't even realize it. But my body is so sensitive to mold. And I just had no reserves to manage it at all. I have taken more Chinese herbs, more homeopathics over the last, oh, and by the way, it's been 13 days of this now. I'm going on 13 days feeling like this. And up until, like even still this morning, I started to feel the nerve thing again. But I have a new little trick for my neck that seems to be helping. So you probably saw me doing that before. Um, it really kicked my butt. Um, so this card, this Dixie. And I'm sorry, you're still hearing me clear mucus. I tried to mute before when I wasn't talking. But yeah, now that I'm talking, I'm also blowing my nose. Because yes, my body's still producing phlegm. Um, so the sticks a card, trust that we are all held in the cosmos. It was it was the only spiritual practice. I mean, where's in our MVP? Well, my MVP completely changed this month, because I literally couldn't even do the minimal things that I was doing this envisioning myself as the tiny little golden boat held in the cosmos. Like that's been my that's been my practice. Trust has It's been my only spiritual practice to get me through because there literally has been nothing else for days and days and days that I could do. Even just bending over, like to try and like stretch a little bit, just bending over and like the amount, like I thought my head was going to explode. So that was even rough. I couldn't do a Qigong practice. Even I did a Qigong practice this morning. It's really embarrassing to say that I couldn't catch my breath during my Qigong practice.

Cassidy I mean, that's how bad, like the whole system is.

Susan I was standing at the counter one day and I'm like, oh, like I just walked through the kitchen. like, I think my heart rate's really high. My heart rate was 108, just walking through the kitchen. Usually, I'm Like, just for comparison's sake, my heart rate's usually in the 50s. So I'm like, oh, my gosh, like, it's really bad news. Couldn't catch my breath during my Qigong practice. So you know that things are a little awry when that's happening. But I am back to doing a little bit, like a 20-minute Qigong practice.

Cassidy For those, if anyone's not familiar with Qigong, it might be the slowest practice there is. Exactly, I mean, it's like slow movement, like, that's all it is. Like, haven't, I am not a practitioner. This is just someone who is like, I've never, I've never practiced it. But like, if you just wanted to like, pretend like you're a sloth, you know, that is what Qigong is like, from an alien perspective.

Susan Right, it's just super, and it's not even like, like, deep bends or anything like that, you're not, like, doing these. It's like fancy yoga postures in slow motion. It's like, and I'll just slowly raise my arm up to my chest and then slowly bring it back down. Oh, and this time I'll slowly take it over my head with the palm up and then slowly bring it back down. Like, and I'm having trouble managing my breath. So there's that.

Cassidy There's that.

Susan But this card, this card, the lessons learned from, from the crucible, humility, humility, trust, and also, gosh, going back to the, and you mentioned this with yours, like trusting that feminine intuition.

Cassidy And I feel like that was.

Susan was such, such a big, um, I wouldn't say that that was the learning so much as what I felt like allowed for this. I'll call it the safe unfolding. Um, because I, gosh, and I even hate to say this, but I'll say it with the, there was the potential that Dawson would not be here today. If I hadn't trusted my intuition.

Cassidy Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

Susan And, um, you know, Matthew had said to me, once I told him what was going on with Dawson, um, he said to me, Oh, mom, I wonder if that's what Sophie had and we didn't catch it.

Cassidy Mm hmm. Yeah. I think it's really possible.

Susan You know, they're kittens. Kittens is what gets this disease. Sophie was less than a year old. She was right at the age, she was right at that age, or about a year old. She was right at the age to get FIP. And I guess they had assumed that she died from heart failure, which is potentially true, but caused by FIP, because your body just fills up with fluid and the heart can't handle the fluid. So, you know, I just, gosh, talk about ever being grateful for your intuition and being able to follow it, right? And trusting that it doesn't matter if people think you're crazy.

Cassidy Yeah.

Susan You just got to trust your intuition. When you get that feeling, you just got to go with it. Because I don't know where we would be if I hadn't. If I hadn't checked in and gotten that feeling and been like, oh, no, it's time to take action. We got to do this. I don't know where we would be.

Cassidy Yeah.

Susan And so, so grateful for, for intuition. So grateful for intuition. And that, that ability to, to witness and observe and notice, like talk about a practice, right? So what is spiritual? Practice about but like being fully present in the moment like that's what we're really hoping for right we're not trying necessarily to become superhuman or to have super powers but you know what being able to be fully present in the moment it's kind of a superpower because because what you're able to notice other people can't notice. They don't see it they don't see in the same way that someone who is fully present can see mm-hmm because that seeing happens beyond the obvious physical you're seeing like these very subtle energetic changes or behavior changes or small movement changes just There's changes that other people aren't able to observe. And I feel like that was really, that was really a powerful, powerful help in this situation. And no, you know, I look at this card, and it is so obvious to me, I'm going to hold it up for a second. It's so obvious to me that there is no destination to be seen in this card, right? It's not like you have your craft, and it is like headed somewhere. Like the somewhere is still a mystery in this card. And I feel like, yeah, that's kind of what it feels like. Like I, I don't know. So the orientation, in other words, I guess right now is no longer outward. I don't know what the outward orientation is. I feel like what this experience has really done has completely given me the inward orientation.

Cassidy Mm hmm.

Susan Like I have no idea right now what an outward destination would be. I feel like that is completely in limbo right now. Um, so I think it's interesting that this card shows liminal space. Um, I feel like it's interesting and I'm still hopeful, like talk about trust. I'm still hopeful because that. Um, oh, I forget. What the position was, I'm going back to look, the completion or what's released position where that showed the bridge, and the the end, I called it the ending of liminal space. I don't feel like it has arrived to me consciously yet. I feel like maybe it's subconscious because I have completely oriented inward. Um, but other than that, it's a complete inward orientation toward that intuition and trust.

Cassidy Mm hmm. And the coherency within our to do position, the out to see, so there was a woman in a craft and a boat, you know, an origami boat, uh, seemingly urgency to changeudge rec often In the vast ocean, that wasn't the, then you see that in the, that car and like the, the cosmos.

Susan And I have that card in the other, because in the two.

Cassidy I know. It's crazy. It's crazy. And with all the stars too. Yeah. And so navigating by the stars and navigating by the heart. And so, well, I have, we have laughed and I have wept in this conversation.

Susan Me too, girl.

Cassidy Yep. And, you know, it is, it's both, you know, I had sent you that excerpt from Kathleen Matthews on the, the rhythmic regulators of the divine feminine consciousness of Sophia and the black goddess. Yes. Yes. And we had seen our cards side by side and it seemed like mine were seemingly lighter, right? Like the ordeal of a road trip is not the same thing as the ordeal that you just described, right? Now, you talked to me last year or, you know, catch me, catch me at another time. And that's what this passage talks about, how we have these different alternating phases where we're emptied and brought to our knees. And then there are other times, it's those times of being brought to our knees and emptied that a seed of something will be planted. And then, um, there is a time with the Ecclesiastes, there's a time for, there is a time for everything. And it's been, it's very beautiful to have these fellow travelers because especially fellow, fellow, you know, goddess travelers who, um, in times when someone is going through the empty. And the time when they're brought to their knees, that you can have someone there to hold a hand and, you know, right? Yes, absolutely. We can be there with and for each other. So that was chapter six. That was chapter six.

Susan Where are we headed next? All right.

Cassidy Next up. Easy town.

Susan Easy town.

Cassidy Actually, it's true. we're next up is reward season. So summer solstice will mark one of our major quarter dates, cross quarter, quarter. We do, you know, if you've seen our map. And so we will have a new season kicking off. We'll have our live show. Everyone's invited. Registration. We'll be open by the time this podcast is released. So head to robesoflight.com if you want to check out about our three-hour card extravaganza. Which falls on Father's Day. Oh, I didn't even know that. Is it on a Saturday? I thought it was on a Saturday.

Susan I thought it was on Sunday.

Cassidy Is it on Sunday? Look at us. We definitely know where we are oriented in time and space. We're just following our heart here. We're not following a calendar.

Susan Maybe I'm wrong, but my calendar said the 21st. Are we doing our show on the 20th or the 21st?

Cassidy Summer Solstice 2026 is on, you were correct, Sunday, June 21st. the 21st, right? Yeah, Father's Day.

Susan Yep.

Cassidy Okay.

Susan Well, there we go.

Cassidy Celebrate Holy Father. And in the meantime, we'll be back to the podcast for our Chapter 7 Retrospective as we see where the cosmos take us, where we float from here. In the meantime, it was a joy to laugh and to cry with you today.